https://peabea.blogspot.com/p/figment-of-peabeas-imagination.htmlHer name was Mabel. She had worked in this job for 10 years, but kept wondering how she had become who she was now. When had things changed for her? Why did she keep letting it all change? How could she get back?
She’d started out in such a wonderful life. Her parents had doted on her and she had a fun childhood. Anything she wanted, she was given by her parents. And she wanted plenty. She had wanted it all. As a child and as an adult, she was just sure she could have anything she wanted. That was until she met him.
He had walked into her favorite hangout on a Friday evening, and that was it for her. He had a quick smile and a way of charming anyone. However, he didn’t even notice her, and that was the wrong thing for him because she was Mabel and she could have anything. That’s what her parents had taught her, right?
Well she wanted him. She asked around and found out where he worked, where he usually hung out, and eventually she found out where he lived. He lived on the East Side and he wasn’t from money. But, she didn’t care. She wanted him…and she was sure she could make him want her.
She arranged to run into him by accident…and he talked to her, but then he just brushed her off. She had thought things were going well, but then in walked that other girl; he made excuses and off he went to be with her.
"How could that be?, she thought. He can’t possibly not find me attractive or not want to get to know me better. What the hell was the matter with him? After all, I'm Mabel who gets anything she wants in life."
She had thought if she kept being where he was, running into him by accident, he would eventually want her. But that had never happened. It was a harsh wake up call for her. How could she have gotten everything she always wanted up to that point in her life, but he never ever wanted her.
She was heartbroken, she went to counseling, she worked through it, and she ended up taking a job. Counseling had shown her that things aren't always handed to you on a silver platter.
It seemed like she had been at this job forever, but she’d never gone to the boss’ house for the annual party until this year. She was excited. She hadn’t gone to a party in ages. After counseling she had just stayed in, watched movies, and hadn’t even dated. She had worked through her problems and now knew that her parents had spoiled her, had not done her a favor by giving her everything.
The night of the party came. Wow, the place looked amazing. It was a huge house…not quite a mansion, but the prettiest she’d ever seen. It was more amazing than the house she grew up in or any that her parents had ever owned. She went with some girls she knew from work. She was excited to be out and about…it had been a while.
Once there, she visited other co-workers, drank some wine and just mingled. One of the co-workers mentioned that the boss usually made an appearance later in the evening. It struck her then, “hell, I’ve never even met the boss. Hmmmm…wonder what that rich old geezer is like? Must be pretty well off to own this place. Wonder if he has a daughter that he’s spoiling that will have a break down some day because she thinks the world is made for her?”
About that time in came the boss. It Was Him!!!! She worked for Him and never knew it!
Once in the room, he walked right up to her and said, “Do you remember me, Mabel?"
She gasped…sure she remembered him…how could she not remember him..she had spent 5 years in counseling over him.
“Will you dance with me?”, he asked. As they danced, he began to tell her about his childhood…growing up in the poorest section of town…living on the streets sometimes. She had known he was poor, but never really knew how poor.
He went on to tell her, that after meeting her, he was inspired to make it big so that one day, he would be rich so that he would be worthy of her, and that’s why he had brushed her aside and kept the distance.
She was shocked!!! She had wanted him so badly…was it simply on his looks? How shallow she felt. But more importantly, how shallow he seemed that he thought she would only have someone that was rich!!! She knew she'd always been a spoiled brat, but she had never, ever looked down on those less fortunate. Her parents, even with all their riches, had taught her that.
She walked away…and never looked back.
Now she knew how she had gotten to where she was. His rejection had made her see the strong, self confident person she'd always been, and she now knew she never wanted to go back.
Scribbled by Peabea
all rights reserved
All she wanted to do was drive, just drive until she couldn’t drive anymore. Until she was too tired to even think. She just wanted to escape, get the hell away. But to where? She drove, and drove, she stopped and walked and then she drove some more. She was in search of escape. When she finally stopped, she realized she hadn’t driven far enough to escape so she returned home.
Once home, she decided maybe if she went for a run, she could escape. First she ran a 5K, but that didn’t help with the escape. She went to the gym to work out, but still she wasn’t able to escape. She went shopping; she bought things she thought she would need for an escape.
She took her purchases home, but she still knew she needed to escape. Again she decided she just wanted to drive, she could just get in the car and drive again and maybe this time she would find a destination where she could escape. She drove as far as she could into the night and didn’t stop until she was so tired and couldn’t drive anymore. By now, she should have escaped. She should be free.
Unfortunately, she realized that there is no escape. She would never be free. This overwhelming urge to escape had been with her on and off for years. It would start when she was having a good day, and she was at an all time high feeling. She would be having a good day and in such a happy mood, and then she would hit the pits. Just one word, one gesture, a look, anything can set it off, and then she has an overwhelming urge to escape. She feels she needs to just run, to escape wherever she is, the scenery, the house, the people. But most of all, she feels she needs to escape from herself, but how do you crawl out from your own skin and escape? How do you make your mind shut off and escape? The urge, the feeling just won’t go away. It has to run its course and she just has to live with it until it is done.
The alternative she tried before after a ruined marriage, the kids not speaking to her anymore, was to drink until she couldn’t think anymore when she had to escape. The escape would be there for a while, until she woke from her drunken stupor. Sometimes she would escape with just drinking and picking up a guy for the night, and then she would wake and hate herself, and the escape had not happened.
She finally gave up trying to escape and now she just lives with it, and lets it run its course until the time comes when it will end. The escape will be gone and gone forever when it happens.
The hit man has been hired; she doesn’t know who it is, how to contact him or when it will happen. She just knows that it will happen. There is no going back now.
For now, she just drives and runs and finds things to occupy her while she seeks escape, and she anxiously awaits the day that the escape will arrive.
scribbled by peabea 12-3-09
“I’m not gonna take it anymore”. You with your Natzi-ism ways of handling people. Your stiff, no giving attitude. I’m done…I’m outta here and I’m just not doing this anymore”.
Just then the bell rang and brought her back to reality. That is what she was screaming in her mind, but hadn’t actually said it out loud. Although she would love to, she knew the repercussions of talking to a teacher in that manner, especially talking to Felicity Ferrone in that manner let alone the repercussion she would face at home if she got expelled.
Felicity Ferrone was a History professor. She’d been raised by strict parents. Her mom was a top lawyer at a law firm that she owned, and her father was a History professor at an elite college. He’d gotten his doctorate, and been tenured at an early age. Nothing but the best was expected of Felicity. While most were playing with toys, she had to be studying, taking music lessons and being tutored and trained by the best. She was the daughter of two very strict parents so naturally she taught in a manner that was strict. If her students saw her as a Hitler type, then so be it. She had learned long ago to not have any feelings, to not care about how another felt. She was never afforded any affection, and in turn had never learned how to deal with people with diplomacy or gentleness. She expected nothing but the best from her students and nothing but the best from people at all times.
When the bell rang, Amanda wanted to grab her books and simply run out the classroom door to escape this class she called hell, but she knew the rule. Ms Ferrone only let you leave once she gave the hand gesture of dismiss. A hand gesture that most of the kids made fun of, and most hated. She always made the class sit for a little bit longer, but just long enough that they wouldn’t be late for their next class, but too late to go to a locker and pick up books for the next class so she had learned to carry the next classes’ books along to this class. She hated it too because it made the backpack so much more heavy. Everything to do with this class was a nightmare.
After class, Amanda met up with friends. All she wanted to do now was chill, laugh and maybe be just a bit naughty with her friends. Go somewhere, smoke a few joints, get high and just relax. The group headed out to a local hang out. This one was new to Amanda, but she thought, what the hey, and went along.
Once there, the place was huge and with loads of kids roaming around. She wondered who in the world owned this place, but soon enough someone handed her a beer, and she was on her way to escape. She started talking to one of the guys there, someone she’d never met before. He was amazingly handsome, she thought. They talked for hours it seemed, and she just kept drinking and smoking and getting high. At times, she wasn’t even sure where she was anymore. She’d hear herself laughing, but it seemed from a distance. She knew she had gone over the line and needed to slow down, but he said, just relax, have fun. He was so amazingly handsome, and she loved talking with him so she ignored her internal warnings to stop, and just get the hell out of there. She just kept wondering who all these people were…and again, whose place this was that allowed all the kids to hang out here.
The amazingly handsome guy asked if she wanted to take a tour of the place. It was the biggest and prettiest house she’d ever been too. When she’d walked in she had noticed all the expensive décor. There was a large winding stairway in the middle of the whole room that divided at the top, with hallways going left and right. It appeared there were quite a few rooms on the top level as well. The windows were arched, with stained glass, but not the ugly stained glass. Actually, she never really cared for stained glass, but the stained glass in those windows was gorgeous. It wasn’t the dark hued colors of most of those type windows. It was light in color and actually sparkled. She had seen that type in a magazine before and knew it was rare and hard to come by so whoever owned this place must have some money. The amazingly handsome guy had begun the tour of the house and was telling her to come on, this way. The kitchen was as amazing as the rest of the house; there were at least 7 bathrooms, and probably 10 bedrooms.
Once the tour reached the last bedroom, things and demeanor changed. Amazingly handsome grabbed Amanda and started kissing her and touching her all over as he pushed her toward the bed. She kept pushing him back, and saying, Hey!! Wait a minute, this is suppose to just be a tour. I’m having fun and all, but not into that right now. Didn’t matter, he just kept at her. With his pushing her, and pinning her on the bed, her senses were starting to return. She could hear his panting, and gruff voice as he said what she’d heard a million times that guys said in this situation, ‘you know you want it’. At that moment, she wanted to laugh..seemed like a bad movie in her head. She could now smell his foul, liquor laden breath. It was disgusting. She kept trying to push him off her. He was stronger. Now he was ripping at her clothes. First he ripped at her blouse until her bra was exposed. Next he ripped that right off. For just an instant he stood back to take a look at her naked breasts. She was horrified. She liked to have fun, but Amanda had never went the whole way with a boy before. Even though she was now a first year college student, she just had never given in to sex, and she certainly hadn’t expected her first time to be like this.
Suddenly, there was a loud crack. The amazingly handsome man fell over on the bed. He had been hit on the head, and appeared to be out cold.
There standing before Amanda was Felicity Ferrone. All she said, was “dammit, I’ve told my son that is not the proper way to treat guests before, but he never seems to learn”. He’ll be all right. I have to keep an eye on him, you know. He’s always bringing kids home. He’s too wild for my liking.
Felicity talked for a while trying to calm Amanda and to reassure Amanda that she shouldn’t tell anyone. With the talking, Felicity confided in Amanda that she had been the victim of rape by her own strict father, and the amazingly handsome son was born out of incest. She had never really told anyone about all the abuse she had suffered throughout her childhood.
Amanda now understood that the teacher from hell had actually been raised in Hell, and most likely the reason for her dis-attachment and non caring attitude toward people.
Amanda had escaped being raped, and now had a new respect for her Hitler type teacher, and realized that people are more complex than their outward attitude and appearance. She learned that from now on, she would try to look deeper into people, and take the time to get to know them rather than just dreading their space in her life.
Scribbled by Peabea
© 12-11-10 all rights reserved peabea (Patricia)